About The Reconstitutionalist

THIS IS SATIRE. Every article on this site is fiction written for comedy. Nothing here is news, nothing here is medical advice, and nothing here is a claim about any real person. Quotes are invented. Events are invented. If a real public figure appears, they are being parodied, and we are not saying they use, sell, or endorse anything. Talk to an actual doctor before putting anything in your body, including our jokes.

Founded in 1776 (paperwork still under review), The Reconstitutionalist is America's most trusted source of untrustworthy news. We cover the Founding Fathers who built a nation without a permission slip, the bureaucrats who now need ten years to approve a vial, and the brave booster superfans who will roll up a sleeve for anything with a federal logo on it.

We believe in free speech, the right to try, free markets, strong borders, and common sense, which in 2026 makes us a fringe extremist publication. We believe a grown adult can decide what goes in his own body without a permission slip from a man in Maryland who has never lifted anything heavier than a rubber stamp. We believe the border should be tighter than the FDA's grip on your recovery. And we believe if you can't joke about it, it's probably the government.

Our editorial standards are simple: if it's ridiculous, it's ours. If it's even more ridiculous, it's probably a real government policy.

We the Peptides, in order to form a more perfect recovery, do ordain and establish this website. Follow us on X at @WeThePeptides.

Satire, Not Medical Advice.