Unearthed Draft Of Bill Of Rights Reveals Founders Originally Included "Right To Reconstitute"
WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Archives staff were stunned this week to find an early draft of the Bill of Rights. Wedged between the Second and Third Amendments: "The right of the people to keep and reconstitute shall not be infringed."
"It's Madison's handwriting," said archivist Delbert Fussmann, holding the parchment with tongs. "There's a doodle of a syringe wearing a tricorn hat. We've had to move it to the restricted room, next to the Second Amendment."
Historians say the clause was cut after a delegate from the Continental Office of Food & Drug Concerns asked for "more data." Records show he was given a quill, a stack of forms in triplicate, and a desk. In 235 years he has filled out 11 inches of paperwork and approved nothing.
The FDA moved fast to contain the discovery. Agents in windbreakers sealed the vault with yellow tape and slapped a warning label on the parchment: NOT APPROVED FOR HUMAN READING. A spokesman said the agency will open a 14-year review of whether the Constitution is safe and effective. "Freedom has serious side effects," he said. "Self-reliance, lower prices, and people asking why they need us."
Asked whether citizens could read the draft in the meantime, the spokesman said only through an approved channel: a $3,400 viewing appointment, booked through a Pfizer-sponsored portal.
At press time, Cousin Jedediah from Delaware, the first state to ratify and the first to reconstitute, was selling laminated copies of the draft out of his barn for $12, labeled "for research purposes only," and had a three-week waitlist.
Satire, Not Medical Advice.