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News · October 31, 2026

Eli Lilly Adds Chrissy Metz Red Carpet Photo To GLP-1 Warning Label As "Exhibit A: Results May Vary"

By Ezekiel Pennington III, Senior Liberty Correspondent
An Eli Lilly spokesperson aims a laser pointer at a laminated red carpet photo labeled Exhibit A.

NEW YORK — The New York Post reported Friday that actress Chrissy Metz "flaunted" a 100-pound weight loss at the Nocturne premiere, in a photo where she looks basically the same as she did on This Is Us, but shinier.

"We ran it through our before-and-after software," a Post photo editor said. "Same face. Same smile. Same hair. Reflectivity up 340 percent. That's the GLP-1."

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Within hours, Eli Lilly's legal team had enlarged the photo, laminated it, and added it to every Zepbound package insert under a new heading: "Exhibit A: Results May Vary."

"We want patients to have realistic expectations," a Lilly spokesperson said, tapping the photo with a laser pointer. "Some will lose weight. Some will lose food noise. Some will just get a nice glaze, like a rotisserie chicken."

Asked directly whether GLP-1s are foolproof, the spokesperson walked to the photo and held the laser pointer there for 45 seconds without saying anything.

Novo Nordisk was asked the same question and replied, "She's not ours." Ro, the telehealth company Metz partnered with, said it is "reviewing the lighting."

Endocrinologists say the shine is a little-known side effect. "Patients lose the food noise first, then the matte finish," one doctor said, holding a light meter up to the photo. "At higher doses, you can check your teeth in them."

Lighting crews at the premiere reportedly turned off two key lights after Metz arrived, calling her "self-illuminating."

The FDA said it is reviewing reports of "unexplained luminosity" and urged Americans not to use compounded versions, which can leave users only "satin."

At press time, Eli Lilly had announced a new drug, Glazetide, for patients who want the shine without the weight loss, with the same results.

The Reconstitutionalist is satire. Eli Lilly has not added anyone's photo to a package insert, and Glazetide does not exist. Yet.

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