Peptide Bro Swipes Right On The Prettiest Whale On Hinge, Plans To Retatrutide Her Into A Girlfriend Who'll Never Leave
Local peptide bro Tyler Brandt, 29, has cracked modern dating by filtering Hinge for "the heaviest women with the prettiest faces," a strategy he calls "spotting a Lamborghini under a tarp."
His plan is to find a ten-out-of-ten face attached to "about four extra people," quietly supply her with retatrutide from Cousin Jedediah in Delaware, and let the pounds melt off until he's left with a grateful, down-to-earth girlfriend who "remembers what it was like to get passed over at the bar."
"Every guy on this app is fighting over the same finished product, but I'm getting in early on the renovation," said Brandt, swiping past a fitness model to match with a woman whose profile picture stopped at the third chin. "I'm not dating her as she is today, I'm dating the version of her eighteen months from now."
The FDA warned that retatrutide is not approved for "converting a girlfriend from a fixer-upper to move-in ready," and Brandt's mother said she's "never been more ashamed," then asked whether Jedediah ships to Ohio.
"Christopher Columbus looked at a giant empty ocean and saw the New World, and I looked at a size 24 and saw a future Victoria's Secret model who'll owe me forever," said Brandt. "That's just manifest destiny, baby."
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