Peptide Bros Hoard Four Years Of BPC-157 After Every Government On Earth Says "No Imminent Threat" The Same Week
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — The United States, the United Kingdom and Japan each told their citizens this week to prepare for disaster, and each promised there was nothing to be concerned about. American peptide bros immediately cleared out every vendor in the country, the way their moms cleared out the toilet paper aisle in March 2020. "During COVID, people fought in Costco over Charmin," said Brayden Kowalczyk, 34. "I learned from that. I'm not getting caught without BPC-157 when the world ends."
Costco locations nationwide reported chaos by Tuesday afternoon, as shirtless men in Gymshark shorts fought over pallets of 1,000-count insulin syringe boxes in the pharmacy aisle. "It's March 2020 all over again, except instead of Charmin it's half-cc insulin needles," said one Costco employee. "A guy in a weighted vest pushed a grandmother into the rotisserie chickens to get the last 31-gauge box." Kowalczyk got out with four cases. "Toilet paper never healed anybody's rotator cuff," he said.
Back home, Kowalczyk stood in front of a garage freezer holding more vials than his local hospital. "Everybody's buying canned beans like amateurs," he said. "When society collapses, I'll be the only guy in the bunker with a resting heart rate of 48." Asked about food, he paused for an uncomfortably long time. "I've got protein powder," he said. "And a guy."
"There is no imminent threat," said a Pentagon spokesperson, after ordering every base to be able to survive 90 days cut off from the world. British officials urged citizens to "be ready," which in the UK means a queue. Japan, which has an earthquake every time someone sneezes in Osaka, launched a new disaster agency and then bowed with an intensity analysts called concerning.
Canada promised its own warning once a bilingual committee approves it in 2031. France went on strike in solidarity with the disaster. Germany released a 400-page manual and a second manual explaining the first.
In Delaware, Cousin Jedediah buried 600 vials in his backyard and drew a treasure map for his family. He has since lost the map.
The FDA warned Americans not to stockpile peptides and said it would finish reviewing that warning in 2034. "There is no imminent threat," an agency spokesperson said. "Except from peptides. And raw milk. And you."
"Every government on Earth says there's nothing to worry about, and they all said it the same week," Kowalczyk said, taping a second freezer shut. "Last time they all agreed on something, I couldn't buy toilet paper for six months. My butt might go unwiped, but my tendons will be immaculate."
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